Koh Samui, Thailand.
March 23rd 2007
I am in agony. I work so hard here on asana and pranayama and kriyas. Now just sitting on the floor has taken its toll on me. My knees are aching and an old injury / opening has come about again in my backside (I am still wondering if its an opening or injury). All I know is that I hobble about a lot when I am not practicing. Interesting that my mind does not draw attention to it when I am immersed in any of my practices. But I know I have to accept this pain as growth. Sit with it, live with it, as if it was an emotional pain and just let it be. But I have also learnt to have more compassion towards myself. And this, for me, is the biggest growth thus far. I have so much more tolerance for my own misgivings that it brings a joy to me that I cannot quite explain. As I have to come to know, there are always worse things in life. It’s nothing compared with some of the suffering I have seen in others.
Interestingly enough a wonderful friend of mine here said to me today: “When you notice this pain come up, notice what is going on emotionally. Especially the posture that is causing such pain” And it made sense. I have not had this pain as bad since 2005. Sure, it comes and goes, but not this bad. Only recently has it come up again in such a massive way. It is almost as if my body reflects the emotions within me. He is a wise yogi, and we are so lucky to have him here with us.
And it is an interesting concept: Flexible mind, flexible body? Stiff mind, stiff body? (And vice versa) It is certainly a theory worth looking at. But with this pain in particular and after reflecting on it more I realize it is the same issue as before only I never really addressed it. I simply swept it under the rug, letting it quietly fester, waiting for it to catch me again and bellow out bigger than before. And now, I have no choice, but to tackle it, address it and be patient as I do so. The difference is, that I can now address this aching pain in my body and work on it more from an emotional standpoint rather than a physical standpoint. My perspective has changed. I have taken off the shades and can see a little more clearly now.
I am loving the pranayama and lectures here. Our pranayama practice is intense and thorough. So much to be learnt about the breath and the mind. The correlation between the two. Tiwariji puts everything so simply. He answers all of our hungry questions about the mind with care, patience and love. And, there are many questions! I am often wondering how to detach. Not to respond to certain stimuli. Not to react to the behaviour of other people. Not to react to the lack of response from people. To be a little less sensitive. I have improved incredibly with this in the last few years, but more than ever in these last few months. But there is a long way to go still. Tiwariji re- emphasizes the different techniques presented to us in the ancient texts. In all of them the same is always given. The tools are there, but it is up to us to experience them for ourselves. To practice and to keep practicing.
Kriyas are a way to clear up the body, which ultimately help as a tool to still the mind. Often the body has certain blockages and so Kriyas help to eliminate these blockages and allow for prana (vital life force /breath) to flow better in our systems.
Whilst in India and HK (even if for just a few days) I took in a great deal of pollution. My chest was tight and I found it difficult to breathe the way I was used to breathing. As a consequence I have been doing Vamen Dhauti. This is when you drink 1.5 - 2 litres of salt water squatting and vomit it out. It helps to remove mucous, and to clean the upper GIT. It has been surprisingly easy and I am feeling fantastic. It has been a while since I did this and I feel back on track. Just a few more days to go. I feel softer, like some blockages have been removed. All working toward that flexible body- and flexible mind. The pain is slowly diminishing with each day now
So as I sit, and try to still the mind, as I try to detach and be the observer in my life I am noticing subtle changes within me that I have not noticed before. I am more aware and alert of what things my body needs and requires rather than what my mind wants. This is everything from food, to emotional connection. It’s a great place to be right now as it allows me to just be and not fuss too much about anything. I find I am detaching on a very profound level. From family and friends, people I care about deeply. This is not to say that I don’t care, rather that I am more still and feel more clear and objective about life. It is a relief. The feeling of ‘whatever will be will be’ has blown across me. It certainly makes a difference to the body hence making me realize that maybe, just maybe, there is a correlation: flexible body, flexible mind. Flexible mind, Flexible Body.
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